"Alam ko na kung bakit: it's simple, takot ka sa sarili mo." i gulped. if i were drinking something at that exact moment baka naibuga ko na kung anu man 'yon. it's amusing how my closest friends see me right through my pretenses. i like that. how i can shed my walls around people i trust. she was one of the few.
she knows how hard it has been, for me to let people in after that ordeal. how i've been desperately trying to, but still can't seem to muster up enough courage to take risks. i guess i needed that talk more than i thought i did.
rosie was a previous workmate. funny thing really, we took that job hopeful and optimistic until we saw the pattern. a curse as we aptly put it. first was our friend. weeks of absence, drink nights, dark heavy circles 'round the eyes, you get the idea. then it was her. i can still remember how she cried every after-shifts. some days she never got to finish. walked out of the office a one woman funeral march. she resigned eventually. i felt lucky, that no matter how the shifting work hours, the stress, seemed to rob me off of what could have been blissful moments with my then partner, i still knew i had somebody. but the bastard was cheating. and before i knew it, the curse landed on me.
"naalala ko n'un, yung sabi mo hindi ka naniniwala sa hoping but not expecting, then a few months after you told me you now know how it felt..." we laughed at how fate always seems to leave us with unexpected surprises. we all have stories. stories that, some may have only heard through gossip, but a good few felt and really understood. we we're both fortunate enough to know how deep our wounds were. there we were, two friends, talking like we were revealing to each other secrets we'd never let anyone take a peek.
it was therapy. i was recounting the last few months of roller-coaster encounters i had with men, of how i felt --how i never felt, of how i got over --how i never really got over, how i secretly pine for the ideal and how i let slip the more convenient ones. she, on the other hand, was sharing the many complications of her commitment, or lack thereof, with her first and only love.
it was a flow of random thoughts, of maybes and of whys... an argument that will never come to a conclusion. life is dynamic that way. and the lessons are oftentimes ambiguous and subject to our own interpretations.
but she did make me realize one thing. that however different our take is on things. we still have each other to back us up, and to always be there through thick and thin. like marriage. only of the fag-hag sort. haha.
so inuulit ko dear, "...no i can't keep seeing anyone without something concrete to hold on to. hindi ko kayang magpaka-player. i'm not someone who can equate sex with just a handshake. and in the few times that i did try, boy did i feel worthless the morning after..."
"...to me, intimacy still means something. and i know that if i let someone in, someone who doesn't believe in love the same way i do, made-devastate lang ako sa huli. so guarded pa rin. i can't play it safe and be with someone out of convenience. i can't be completely happy at the thought of having someone when really what you have is nothing. when i fall, i really fall. it's something i can't control. at hinding-hindi ko isusuko 'yon. siguro nga takot ako na hayaang mahulog ang sarili ko sa isang tao ng buong-buo, because yes i might be giving them power over my emotions but i can never consider that a bad thing. for me giving someone your all is still the best gift anyone can ever give..."
"...so good-luck to us both, i know you will find peace and happiness and contentment soon. at least you already know who to spend it with. ako, im hopeful, and i will stay hopeful, na meron at meron pa rin darating na deserving..."
"...sa cute kong 'to imposibleng wala."